Anatomy of a beauty pageant

This week I had the uncomfortable privilege of serving as a judge for the “Miss Romano-Germanic Philology Department” contest. I say uncomfortable because that’s basically how I feel when I’m asked to do these things. Gender roles are still thriving in Ukraine, and the “women must look beautiful” role is perhaps lead among them. That’s why it’s acceptable to stage pageants featuring students in revealing clothes and sexed-up dance performances. Ultimately it’s nothing too risqué; you can see worse in a music video on television. But in a school environment… well, my American sensibilities usually result in me feeling pretty awkward, cringing and averting my gaze as much as possible.

Anyway, onward. And brace yourself: I think this is going to be difficult to top in my remaining time here.

These are the tools of the pageant-judging trade: score placards, ribbons, and a tiara. It’s not obvious in this picture, but the judges only had access to numbers 3-5, no 1’s or 2’s. So Ukrainian. But in the end, it didn’t matter. I gave no score lower than 4.

I wasn’t aware the university had a drum corps, let alone an all-female drum corps. But it does. And the rousing opening of the pageant was their responsibility. My ear drums barely made it through the crescendo at the end.

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The MC’s of the evening.

The “presentation” part of the pageant was a sort of introduction with the girls reciting poems about why they’re the best choice.

Presentation.

This girl had a whole entourage and played the part of Cleopatra explaining why she is the best choice to Caesar (left).

Elaborate.

The judges to my right look on attentively.

The “Intellectual” portion of the pageant, which was really just a bunch of riddles (most of which I didn’t understand). Sample question, “What’s seven centimeters wide, 18 centimeters long, and highly desired by every woman?” Answer: a hundred dollar bill! None of them answered correctly, but my favorite guess was made by the girl in blue, “a banana?”

The “My Vision of a Traditional Ukrainian Costume” competition. I’m not sure any of these would have flown in traditional Ukraine.

There were several ballads sung by male students in between the different parts of the pageant.

This part of the pageant literally translated was “my raisin,” which can apparently be translated at “my special/unique appeal.” I suppose we would say “talent show.” Things started off pretty tame with some examples of this girl’s painting ability.

A painting and decorated headphones. I thought the headphones were especially cool.

Again, nothing very shocking here. A girl singing a patriotic song with some traditional folk dance fusion going on behind her.

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Then came the fashion designer. This girl presented a series outfits she had designed.

Her friends helped her model them.

And the last talent? Lip-synching to Lady Gaga's 'Just Dance.'

Lady Gaga is huge on Ukrainian discotheque scene at the moment, so this went over very well. A shrewd pageant strategy.

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This is, I think, the fourth or fifth Windows Movie Maker video presented by a random group of students. None of these videos had anything to do with the pageant or its contestants.

Evening gown competition.

Adding up scores and selecting who will get each of the awards. Besides the “Miss University” award, there were seven other awards. You know, to make sure everyone wins something. Examples of additional awards: Miss Elegance and Grace, Lady with the Best Smile, HOT (sic) Lady, and so on. Note the conspicuous lack of 1 and 2 score placards.

Runner-up awards… and some sad, crushed faces. Not really.

And the winner! The previous Miss University is presenting her the tiara. (The previous Miss University also gave a belly dancing performance, but my shame and sheer awkwardness during all five minutes of it prevented me from taking any photos.)

THE END

But perhaps my favorite moment of the evening was the following SMS conversation with another PCV after he called during the pageant:

Me: Sorry, can’t talk. Entering hour 3 of this thing

Michael: oh god